The Abridged Script Archive: Video Game Edition
by Jack Bullions
Summary: Ongoing. Content LS. Editing Room inspired work. A collection of short mockery scripts for video games I find abominable. Star Ocean 2: The Second Story added
1. Chocobo's Dungeon II


    CHOCOBO'S DUNGEON 2: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    INT. DUNGEON
    CHOCOBO, MOG, and other MEANINGLESS CHARACTERS appear
    looking as cute as possible.
    MOG
    Kupo! Kupo! Kupopopopo! Let's go
    get lottsa rare items!
    CHOCOBO
    (looking cute)
    MOG
    This dungeon very easy! We'll be
    doing this over and over and over and
    over and over and over...
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    What?
    (leaves)
    GAME OVER.
    


	2. Dead or Alive III


    DEAD OR ALIVE 3: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    EXT. BEACH
    TINA
    I am every computer geek's wet dream.
    HITOMI
    No you're not. I am every computer
    geek's wet dream.
    TINA
    Perhaps we shall resolve our cat-fight
    with kung fu then.
    They perform various GRATUITOUS SEXUAL STUNTS, and they
    GROAN, MOAN, PULL HAIR, MASH each other, GIGGLE and SHIT,
    while the CAMERA does tight close-up CROTCH SHOTS.
    Computer Geeks further hone the art of ONE-HAND TYPING.
    GAME OVER.
    


	3. Diablo II


    DIABLO 2: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    EXT. ROGUE ENCAMPMENT
    Several RABID DIABLO LEETS log on to BattleNet and enter a
    game. They begin PHALLIC MUSCLE comparisons.
    RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #1
    Look at my inventory! I have Frostburn
    Imbued Ruby Times Seven.
    RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #2
    So what? I am Level 83 in six days of
    uninterrupted playing time!
    RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #3
    That's nothing! I have a new weapon,
    Ripper of New Holes I bought with the
    power of the American Express! Don't
    buy a multi-player on-line game without
    it!
    Rabid Diablo Leet-Players #1 and #2 consult E-BAY for more
    MACHO-ITEMS. FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT suddenly enters screen
    and interacts with game NPC.
    FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT
    I will accept your quest. The evil of
    this land must be purged.
    RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #1
    Are you a potentially-cyberable female?
    FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT
    Actually I'm a guy trying to play a
    sorceror but since there's only a
    female...
    RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #2
    A fucking NOOB!! KILL HIM!
    FEMININE NEW ACCOUNT is torn to a HUNDRED PIECES with MAGIC
    that was obviously not designed with blowing up everything
    on the screen in mind.
    DIABLO
    Does anyone here even remember the plot
    to this game?
    MEPHISTO
    I think we can keep gamers distracted
    enough as long as we dump endless
    amount of random encounters for them to
    kill.
    BHAAL
    Ingenious. Our diabolical plan will go
    unhindered. How about a game of cards
    then until our time arises?
    DIABLO
    Diabolical... Ha-Ha!
    The EVIL BROTHERS gather around a table and play cards
    while Rabid Diablo Leet-Players SLICE and DICE and BLOW UP
    everything they see on the screen.
    RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #1
    We have killed over a million moving
    objects on the screen and there is
    nothing else to do. Wait, I remember a
    plot.
    DIABLO
    Uh-oh.
    DIABLO and BROTHERS are torn to a HUNDRED PIECES.
    RABID DIABLO LEET-PLAYER #2
    What the FUCK? You drop a Silks of the
    Victor? I wanted a FUCKING RING!
    FRAGMENTS of DIABLO and BROTHERS are torn to a THOUSAND
    PIECES. This whole SCENARIO repeats itself over and over in
    an ENDLESS LOOP until RABID DIABLO LEETS learn to make
    contact with society and develop real-life human interaction
    skills, or DIABLO III comes out.
    GAME OVER.
    


	4. Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest


    FINAL FANTASY MYSTIC QUEST: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    by Jack Bullions
    INT. SQUARE STUDIOS - JAPAN
    SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT talks with PRODUCER HIRONOBU
    SAKAGUCHI about the next Final Fantasy project. He indicates
    a CHART.
    SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT
    As you can see, our games are selling
    more poorly in the U.S. than here in
    Japan.
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    No surprise. Our video games are too
    "complex" and too "difficult" for their
    minute brains. Crazy Americans and
    their AD&D ways. They just don't
    understand true fantasy.
    SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT
    Whatever the case, the American market
    is essential for our future horrible
    games and a movie disaster. What can we
    do to assure us of our money?
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    I have a mindless idea. Let us create a
    ridiculously simplistic, and lobotomized
    RPG made for monkeys! If we can insult
    them deep enough, they are bound to take
    revenge and buy more of our games.
    Producer Sakaguchi CACKLES while the Consultant pitches the
    charts out the window and QUITS.
    EXT. FOCUS TOWER GAME TILE
    DARK KING appears, sporting a CROWN, BRITISH ROYAL ROBES, and
    SIX ARMS carrying a bow, sword, axe and other FANTASY WEAPONS.
    Yes, he looks FUCKING RIDICULOUS. He shifts over one square
    and onto the Focus Tower.
    DARK KING
    MWA-HA-HA-HA! The crystals are mine!
    Now I have become evil beyond evil!
    EXT. MOUNTAIN GAME TILE
    More FLAT-LOOKING CHARACTERS appear. One of them is labeled
    BENJAMIN, the game hero, and the other, a WISE OLD MAN. WISE
    OLD MAN takes his magic wand, err... a CRAYON and explains
    PLOT.
    WISE OLD MAN
    Defeat Points A, B, C, and D and you
    will be able to ascend the Focus Tower.
    Only then can you stop the Dark King.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    What the hell is this?
    The screen suddenly SHAKES and RUMBLES. Hill tiles sink to
    the ground.
    BENJAMIN
    Was that an earthquake?
    WISE OLD MAN
    Don't worry about that. It's the Super
    Nintendo system trying desperately to
    spit out the game cartridge. Be brave.
    OLD MAN floats away while BENJAMIN acts ridiculous.
    EXT. RANDOM TILES ON THE WORLD MAP
    BENJAMIN connects the dots on the map.
    MARIO
    (stares at the world map)
    Now that's-a copy of my game-a, eh?
    INT. DOOM CASTLE OF DOOM TILE
    BENJAMIN meets the DARK KING.
    A LARGE SWORD appears and Benjamin waves it in front of the
    Dark King. NUMBERS magically appear over his head.
    DARK KING
    MWA-HA-HA-HA!
    BENJAMIN
    You are truly a worthy opponent of my
    first-grade kiddie level heroics. I
    could just sit here and hit my A-Button
    three times and kill you but that is too
    "complex" for the gamers.
    Benjamin pulls up his menu and casts CURE. Dark King DIES.
    BENJAMIN
    Woohoo! I won! Take that evil!
    BUNCH OF CARTOON SPRITES
    Yeah! We're all happy!
    Some SILLY WAV FILE plays reminding the gamers this is all
    somehow part of Final Fantasy.
    GAME OVER.
    


	5. Final Fantasy VII


    FINAL FANTASY VII: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    by Jack Bullions
    INT. SQUARE STUDIO - JAPAN
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI and DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE are
    collaborating on their first ever Playstation Final Fantasy
    Game, "THE SEVEN WEEK LONG PLOT", and begin talking.
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    Quite clearly this new Sony Playstation
    will triple our profits. Forget
    Nintendo. Let's kick their collective
    balls by making NOTHING for them, and
    then jump ship. Har-Har.
    DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
    I'm with you, Hiro my man. Normally, our
    ravenous fans from Japan will tear us all
    a new one for leaving Nintendo but since
    they are willing to buy anything with a
    Squaresoft label on it, and the stupid,
    lazy Americans will buy whatever that
    explodes, we're safe!
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    I see that. So what should we make? I'm
    out of ideas.
    DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
    Hmmm.
    (turns to his 100 development
    teams)
    Each of you must come up with a plot and
    we'll link them together with some
    ridiculous quasi-religious theme.
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    Ingenious! We could even stretch this
    monstrosity to 3 CDs!
    DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
    What? THREE CD SET! The customers will
    have to fork over even more money!
    Unprecedented!
    They LAUGH and CACKLE together.
    INT. CGI TRAIN
    TOKEN BLACK GUY
    (bunch of poorly constructed
    ebonics no one understands)
    CHARACTER WEDGE
    I see. The complexity of these many
    subplots demands a hero with some
    coherent english and an obscene name to
    signify personality. Where is our
    mercenary that reluctantly joined our
    cause? We must stop this generator.
    Character Wedge introduces PLOT. CLOUD STRIFE reluctantly
    enters the game.
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    Here I am. This corrupt Corporation is
    draining our planet's vital lifesource
    but... I really don't care.
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    Greedy corporation? Who the fuck wrote
    that in?
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    That would be corrupt, not greedy. By
    the way, I want my money.
    TOKEN BLACK GUY
    Shut up, foo, 'fore I bust a cap up yo
    cyberpunk-ass!
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    I guess that means you and I won't be
    getting along.
    Cloud and Party create MORE PLOT.
    DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
    You like that!!?? We understand blacks,
    just like you Americans. Power to the
    people!
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Whatever.
    EXT. MIDGAR
    Token Black Guy spouts more utter NONSENSE. They blow up the
    Mako Generator, and apparently a couple of HUNDRED innocent
    people as well caught in the blast radius. Cloud and Party
    THREE-STOOGE their way back into the city and he meets AERIS
    GAINSBOROUGH.
    AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
    (looking innocent)
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    Hmm... normally my emotionless and one-
    dimensional personality would shield me
    from your innocence, but it appears you
    are the only character here in this damn
    game that deserves my sympathy.
    (reluctant and brooding)
    You will most likely die then.
    Aeris stares innocently as Cloud heads for the slums. Aeris
    creates another SUBPLOT.
    INT. SEVENTH HEAVEN - SLUMS
    TIFA is waiting in the bar.
    TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
    Hi. Needless to say this plot will keep
    you locked in your room for weeks to
    come. Stare at my obscenely large
    breasts and round hips to take your mind
    off it.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Yes, they are very big, but I think I
    would rather bang the innocent, tight
    virginal, wide-eyed doe that is Aerith.
    TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
    Who?
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Aeris in English. Speaking of, maybe you
    should get off your Anti-American rocker
    and hire someone who can speak English to
    translate this shit.
    TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
    Cloud, do you love Aeris more than my
    breasts?
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    I can't make up my mind at the moment.
    We have a world to save right?
    Tifa pouts. She creates another SUBPLOT.
    TOKEN BLACK GUY
    I still don't like you, bitch-ass.
    INT. EVIL CORPORATION
    President SHINRA, RUFUS-SON, SEPHIROTH, a bunch of Yakuza
    called TURKS, General HEIDEGGER, SCARLET, HOJO, PALMER,
    REEVE, and fuck even CHOCOBOS and MOOGLES show up to detail
    out conspiracy to draw more Mako energy from the planet.
    EVERYBODY EVIL
    We need to do everything that is possibly
    evil to make more money regardless of how
    it affects our planet. Let us steal
    candy from babies and whip donuts at old
    people.
    SEPHIROTH
    Doing so will cause dire consequences.
    Change your ways.
    EVERYBODY EVIL
    Money is all that matters.
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    Who the fuck wrote that in?
    CAMERA pushes CLOSER to Sephiroth in one of many ridiculous,
    self-mockery poses.
    EVERYBODY EVIL
    What are you doing?
    SEPHIROTH
    I'm introducing another subplot. The
    steroids or whatever bullshit you decided
    to jack me up with as a child shrunk my
    nutsack. You know what that means.
    Sephiroth KILLS just about everybody with less than a line
    of dialogue.
    SEPHIROTH
    Now I will summon a giant meteor to hit
    the planet, and absorb all the Mako
    energy to regrow my balls and become a
    God. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
    KEFKA
    What the hell was that? At least I had
    insanity as an excuse. Are you willing
    to turn your character into a mistake
    like me?
    SEPHIROTH
    Damn, let's see. I miss my mommy then.
    Since she is part of this planet, I will
    try to become one with her. Yes that
    sounds less crazy than my original
    destroy-the-world theme... but first, I
    will go make myself more threatening.
    Sephiroth creates MORE PLOT.
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    Jesus Christ, how far off do we have to
    veer from the story?
    DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE spins the WHEEL-O-PLOTS and it
    lands on VINCENT VALENTINE.
    VINCENT VALENTINE
    Expendable NPC here. I slept with
    Sephiroth's mother but that is a whole
    other useless plot with no relevance to
    the game.
    The wheel SPINS again and lands on RED XIII.
    RED XIII
    And that's your justification for being
    here?
    VINCENT VALENTINE
    Hey, my limit breaks are cool, and in
    addition it gives many ravenous fans the
    opportunity to spawn mindless porn novels
    with my ability to increase... size.
    The wheel SPINS again and lands on CID HIGHWIND.
    CID HIGHWIND
    I am white, therefore, I am a lazy,
    smoking, bomb-toting, sewer mouth you
    fuck penis shit cunt testicle.
    TOKEN BLACK GUY
    Can't get any worse than me, son.
    The wheel SPINS again and lands on YUFFIE and CAIT SITH.
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    Fuck no. Get lost the two of you.
    The wheel SPINS again and lands on AERIS GAINSBOROUGH and
    TIFA.
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    Oh, yeah. The romance.
    TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
    So? Let's stop saving the world for one
    damn moment and pick who you want to get
    laid with.
    AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
    (looking innocent)
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    I'd rather talk about my problems.
    TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
    Nooooooooo!!!
    She SPINS the wheel and suddenly Video Game Player is thrust
    with hundreds of random SUBPLOTS like Cetra, meteorites,
    Chocobo Races, Knights of the Round Table, traitors,
    Ancients, Genetic Experiments, and MORE EVIL SHINRA PLOTS.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Enough of this shit! Let's kick some
    ass.
    SEPHIROTH
    Indeed you shall. Now come chase me
    while I burn and destroy everything so
    Hironobu Sakaguchi can wet himself coming
    up with these FMV sequences.
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    Pretty nice, but I'm having an identity
    crisis here and no time to really kill
    you.
    SEPHIROTH
    ....
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    Here is some more plot. I failed to be
    this great super Soldier even though I
    can kick some serious ass with my Limit
    Breaks and there are only two of you in
    this program.
    SEPHIROTH
    What? The entire climax of this horrific
    game is focused around one insignificant
    failure from your past?
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    Makes about as much sense as having us do
    all of these meaningless subplots to
    advance the game.
    SEPHIROTH
    Okay, but you still need to chase me
    around because I am going to unleash my
    unholy wrath on everyone.
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (reluctant and brooding)
    I'm still depressed. You'll have to do
    better than that.
    Sephiroth pulls Aeris innocently from the group and KILLS her
    in a drawn out tear-jerking innocent moment.
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    (to Sephiroth)
    Well, thanks a lot. You just gave them
    the opportunity to create one absurdly
    contrived ending.
    TOKEN BLACK GUY
    Foo! You be goin', sucka!
    Cloud and Party CHASE Sephiroth around for CD TWO and THREE.
    INT. GIANT PIT
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    After going through many plots I have
    finally found you.
    SEPHIROTH
    Well done. Prepare to meet your doom.
    Sephiroth ABSORBS much energy and many lifestreams. He
    becomes SUPER ANGELIC SEPHIROTH.
    Cloud takes the whole Final Fantasy PLOT and squashes
    Sephiroth. Sephiroth DIES. Cloud and Party WINS!
    TOKEN BLACK GUY
    Yo, man...
    JACK BULLIONS
    This is an actual line from the game.
    TOKEN BLACK GUY
    I been here since the beginnin', an' I
    still don't know what the hell's goin'
    on.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Damn, straight. What about the meteor
    plot?
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    Big dramatic finish!
    CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
    Oh no you don't. Everyone, into the
    ship!!!
    Cloud and PARTY pilots the BIG SHIP into the meteor. Cloud
    and the MANY PLOTS all BLOW UP.
    GAME OVER.
    


	6. Final Fantasy VIII


    FINAL FANTASY VIII: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    by Jack Bullions
    EXT. GAME MAP
    SEIFER ALMASY and SQUALL LEONHART meet in a field.
    SEIFER ALMASY
    Let's duel, you emotionally bankrupt
    bitch, because I am this one-dimensional
    asshole.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    Your attempts to develop this vague
    conflict between us are hopeless against
    my superior Shinra Soldier training. I
    defeated Sephiroth back in Final Fantasy
    7.
    SEIFER ALMASY
    No you didn't.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    I DID, TOO! I am Cloud Strife, mercenary
    for hire! Renzokuken Elemental Ultraman
    Tailspin Attack!
    Squall walks up to Seifer and hits the R1 button several
    times.
    SEIFER ALMASY
    Impressive. I will counter with
    superior magic.
    (puts blade on shoulder and points)
    It appears I can not read. How am I
    supposed to learn magic now?
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    Hmm... good question. Because I lack
    emotion, and am self-centered, I too can
    not fully comprehend the art of reading
    or writing... therefore, let us junction
    magic to our bodies.
    SEIFER ALMASY
    How do we do that?
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and the melodramatic)
    Beats me. We can only assume we could,
    just like we can assume any part of this
    game makes any sense.
    Squall passes a NEEDLE and they junction magic, we assume.
    They junction back and forth while developing matching SCARS
    in the process. Eventually, Squall ODs and becomes deeply
    INTROVERTED.
    SEIFER ALMASY
    Just to show you what a bigger asshole
    I really am, I will now draw on your
    unconscious face while you lie there,
    and then drive back to school.
    (pause)
    Drive? What the fuck happened to our
    fantasy game?
    Seifer flips through a couple of DOZEN MENUS to find his KEY.
    INT. BALAMB GARDEN
    Squall wakes up emotionlessly and then melodramatically and
    he now meets his merry band of one-dimensional FRIENDS.
    QUISTIS TRIPE
    Hi. I am a stern but passionate teacher
    and for camp reasons I'm also a teenager.
    Doesn't that make me sexy? Sure does.
    Other VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS with various LIMIT BREAKS
    appear that Hironobu Sakaguchi really, really wanted but
    could provide no justification for.
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    (looks at her limit breaks)
    I shoot my pet, this big-ass mutt, off my
    wrist. What the hell?
    ZELL DINCHT
    Hey I've seen that before! Wasn't that
    used by this utterly useless ninja in the
    last game. What's her face?
    Zell CACKLES at the thought.
    SELPHIE TILMITT
    At least she kept her sex. What happened
    to your monster breasts?
    Zell realizes he is a RECYCLED CHARACTER himself.
    ZELL DINCHT
    Oh yeah? Well, spell pig backwards and
    say funny!
    SELPHIE TILMITT
    G-I... hey! I won't fall for that!
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Wow. My party is composed of bickering
    teenagers.
    QUISTIS TRIPE
    Teens? That's great how every one of you
    aren't even old enough to drive. I guess
    that should count you all out from really
    melodramatic, and momentous operations.
    Suddenly the teens meet INSULTING PLOT.
    INSULTING PLOT
    We have a melodramatic, and momentous
    operation involving the assassination of
    a President, so our best bet is to put
    the fate of the world in the unsteady and
    inexperienced hands of a bunch of
    greenhorns like yourselves. Assist Rinoa
    with the absurdity about to happen next.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    Whatever.
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    How could I possibly ever fall in love
    with you? Now listen everyone. I have a
    great plan. We're going to hop on board
    the train the President is on and we're
    going to switch tracks, and then we'll
    paint a tunnel on a mountain like what
    Bugs Bunny does to Yosemite Sam. That
    way, we can go inside and then the bad
    guys won't know where we are!
    They FAIL.
    SEIFER ALMASY
    That's it. I'm joining the bad guys.
    SEIFER leaves.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    So much for that plan. Rinoa, I admit I
    seem to be vaguely attracted to you. You
    wanna get lucky? I really don't give a
    damn if you don't.
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    After that complete display of
    incompetence there? You're lucky if I
    even sneeze in your direction.
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    No! No! No! This game is about love!
    You must initiate this contrived romance,
    which we won't explore, so that it may
    spawn a whole bunch of nonsense subplots
    for you to do.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    Whatever, dude. Can we move this game
    along?
    INT. SOME TIME PORTAL CASTLE PLACE
    Game Villain SORCERESS EDEA appears, and plots CONSPIRACY
    with Seifer.
    SORCERESS EDEA
    Blah blah blah blah blah Evil. Blah Blah
    Blah Blah Blah World Domination. Blah
    Blah and uh, compress time?
    SEIFER ALMASY
    ....
    SORCERESS EDEA
    Don't look at me. I'm evil. I'll do
    whatever it takes, and dispose of any
    means necessary to fulfill my ultimate
    ambition... to absorb the minds of all
    Sorceresses in time by compressing them
    all into one timeline! He-He-He-He!
    SEIFER ALMASY
    How the hell do you compress time?
    SORCERESS ADEL
    Sorry. Can't answer you now. I've
    compressed Adel's mind and I don't
    remember anything... yet.
    EXT. FLASHBACK SEQUENCES
    LAGUNA LOIRE
    Um, what other purpose do I serve
    besides plot device?
    (pause)
    Hello?
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Pops, please conveniently re-arrange
    sections of our past for the benefit of
    my future.
    LAGUNA LOIRE
    I guess...
    EXT. GAME MAP
    Squall and friends experience MANY CGI BATTLES AND FMVs.
    Sorceress Edea/Adel realizes she isn't getting enough
    attention. She SCREAMS. Squall and friends finally
    realize there is a point to their whole debacle.
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    Her scant appearances and threats to
    take-over the world are very threatening.
    How do we stop her?
    QUISTIS TRIPE
    Good question. We can't steal enough
    magic to junction into our bodies. We
    need...
    (drum roll)
    ... Guardian Force!
    Squall and friends BATTLE many GUARDIAN FORCES to prove
    their worth to them even though they have a conscience and
    realize the fate of the world and their existence lies in a
    balance if they don't help. ????
    IMPROVED ESPER
    Well. Guess I'm a Guardian Force now.
    Just don't junction me in an ass or
    something.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    I suppose we're ready.
    The PARTY assembles on a GIANT FLYING COMPUTER GRAPHIC, but
    first, they play a senseless CARD GAME.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    Hey, speaking of senseless, some of you
    unrealistic and horribly contrived
    teens are starting to look familiar.
    Where have we met?
    INSULTING PLOT reaches into its magic hat, and pulls out
    ludicrous PLOT TWIST. Ravenous SQUARESOFT FANATICS confuse
    this with CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    What the fuck? We grew up together in
    some geographically isolated, Dickens-
    esque orphanage and we somehow forgot
    everything about it? How do you
    explain that?
    WRITER KAZUSHIGE NOJIMA
    You can't. I just made that shit up
    after realizing these teenagers have
    absolutely no relevance to the game.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (emotionless and then melodramatic)
    You're kidding? I hate you all then.
    Why am I even leading this group? My
    life sucks. Perhaps I should go jump
    ship and plummet to my doom.
    RAVENOUS SQUARESOFT FANATICS
    What the hell? I thought this was
    supposed to be a game about love?
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    Squall, I have suddenly developed some
    deep feelings for you.
    The ceiling explodes and RINOA is blown skywards until she
    ends up in SPACE.
    ZELL DINCHT
    Save her, man!
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Whatever.
    ZELL DINCHT
    But dude, didn't you just hear what
    she said? She has feelings, unlike the
    rest of us bland tag alongs.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Then I am a completely changed man! Our
    underdeveloped relationship and vague
    emotions for each other have really
    brought the real Squall out of me.
    He leaps off into space.
    RAVENOUS SQUARESOFT FANATICS
    Yes! Yes! Love conquers all!
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (catching Rinoa)
    I was so wrong. I'm sorry.
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    Later, Squall. We're in space, and
    rapidly losing air.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    No problem. We will escape... by
    jumping on board this fully functional
    and drifting derelict spacecraft that
    just so happens to be here...
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    What?
    Random INVASIONS and random subplots occur afterwards.
    Squall uses his rookie training, and incredible powers of
    MISPELLING, to kill them all with one swing of his
    JUNCTIONED GUNBLADE. Yes, he is that MAGICAL.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    There. Let us steer heedlessly towards
    a time portal so that we may kill the
    game boss.
    INT. TIME COMPRESSED CASTLE PLACE
    Squall and friends KILL Seifer and prepare to meet
    Sorceress Edea, no Adel, no wait, Ultimacia, no, damn it,
    GAME VILLAIN. They junction many magic to their bodies.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Feel my Guardian Force!
    He begins SUMMONING, and starts pushing his X-Button
    RAPIDLY. One hour later...
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Almost there...
    Two hours later...
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Almost...
    Well fuck, three hours gone by and after hitting the X-
    Button a zillion times the Guardian Force becomes SUPER
    GUARDIAN FORCE. The Game Villain DIES.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Well, that was fun.
    ZELL DINCHT
    Hey man, hate to rain on your parade and
    everything but we had to follow you
    through this portal thing to help kill
    the game villain in a different time and
    now that we're done... how do we get
    back?
    SQUALL LEONHART
    (snaps finger)
    Here's a little bit of deus ex machina.
    ZELL DINCHT
    Dude!
    SQUALL LEONHART
    I love you Rinoa.
    RINOA HEARTILLY
    Oh right... I love you, too.
    SQUALL and RINOA dance majestically while someone busts out
    a CAMCORDER and records VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS
    invading Japan and burning down Squaresoft. Both Director
    Kitase and Producer Sakaguchi DIE emotionlessly and then
    melodramatically.
    GAME OVER.
    


	7. Final Fantasy IX


    FINAL FANTASY IX: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    INT. FANTASY PRIMA VISTA SHIP
    A couple of CARTOON CHARACTERS create comic relief. They
    wear FUNNY clothes, look FUNNY, and drink HEAL POTIONS.
    This is FANTASY.
    RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
    We have new orders from Regent Tiresome
    Cameo. We will go to Alexandria and
    kidnap Princess Garnet, the most
    bodacious babe on this side of Gaia,
    while acting goofy and silly in front of
    an audience.
    RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
    That is a completely moronic plan. Who
    would take part of this?
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    That would be me, the masculine flirt.
    You may think I look comical and out of
    place by not appearing on a motorcycle
    or using a gun with a big-ass blade
    sticking out of it, but we are really a
    Final Fantasy game. Hironobu Sakaguchi
    pretends to listen to you fans so I hope
    you can all appreciate this half-ass
    attempt in returning to our fantasy
    roots.
    Zidane fills his HEAD with testosterone and it becomes
    MASSIVE. Other CARTOONS follow suit and BLOW-UP their own
    heads and hands, too, into wacky proportions.
    RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
    Wow, you really are the epitome of
    masculinity.
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    I know. Chicks dig the big head. Get
    it? Har-Har.
    (grabs something below)
    Wait, that's not my...
    RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
    Let us proceed quickly to Alexandria
    before we start losing our fantasy
    element.
    EXT. FANTASY ALEXANDRIA ROOFTOPS
    VIVI ORUNITIA
    Pity me? I'm nine years old.
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    (stares at the black region with
    two yellow dots where his face
    should be)
    Sure. Why don't you come join us in
    our coming fantasy adventure for no
    explicable reason?
    VIVI ORUNITIA
    You bet!
    INT. FANTASY CONCERT
    Zidane and Party run around, bumping into more BADLY DRAWN
    CARTOONS while creating more comic relief and looking
    ridiculous. They soon discover Princess Garnet with a big
    fucking word CLICHÉD stamped on her forehead.
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Oh, baby. You make my balls throb.
    PRINCESS GARNET
    You deliver such witty pick-up lines.
    I think I'll fall head over heels for
    you. Wait, what the hell is that
    sticking out of your ass?
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    (looks down)
    Ah, now I remember. Don't worry about
    that. You see I have this real nasty
    rectal inflammation and its hard for me
    to squeeze out anything wider than this
    finger.
    (winks)
    Hey, I bet you like fingering...
    PRINCESS GARNET
    Oh, get real. Now hurry up and help me
    escape. I can't seem to remember my
    past but you can bet your socks I'm
    partially responsible for all of this
    mindless mayhem.
    VIVI ORUNITIA
    Why is it that every main character from
    our series has to have some amnesic
    episode? Isn't it starting to wear
    thin?
    PRINCESS GARNET
    No, you have to remember that we are
    attempting to return to our fantasy
    roots.
    (pause)
    I guess that's a good enough excuse as
    any to recycle Final Fantasy 6 with a
    slightly different plot, right?
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Hell no. This is ridiculous.
    Princess Garnet changes her name to DAGGER, and shows a bit
    of leg. Zidane is hit with GOOD-GUY INSTINCTS.
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Wait, we were sent to kidnap you so
    that your heartless evil country won't
    invade my country, but I now see
    through this horribly contrived plan
    that we would be no less different than
    your heartless evil people. You may
    join my party.
    INT. FANTASY ALEXANDRIA CASTLE
    BADLY DONE VILLAINS appear, plotting global conspiracies,
    worshipping Satan, and acting evil.
    CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
    I am the game villain.
    (flings back hair)
    Please admire my beautiful hair, and my
    luscious thighs thanks to the Ass-Master
    2000.
    (flings back hair)
    Now people, you are all under my evil
    villain spell so help me destroy these
    set of kingdoms. In the end, I will
    finally have in my hands, TRUE POWER!
    Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
    QUEEN BRAHNE
    What the hell kind of plot is that?
    Who's advising me?
    CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
    Attempting to be funny I am. Squaresoft
    moronic eggheads they truly are.
    STEINER rushes in.
    ALDELBERT STEINER
    My Queen! Princess Garnet has escaped!
    CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
    Save the Princess you must!
    CHAOS ensues. Steiner acts goofy, and chases Zidane and
    Party up and down the castle until they decide to head back
    to the BIG SHIP.
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Hey, Steiner. Act stupid and goofy so
    that Queen Brahne can shoot us out of
    the sky.
    ALDELBERT STEINER
    (scratches head)
    Duh?
    The ship is hit with CGI effects and it crashes onto the
    world map.
    EXT. FANTASY WORLD MAP
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Now that we are away from Queen Brahne
    and her homosexual cohorts, let's
    consult the Final Fantasy 6 cheatbook
    and plot our course of action. This is
    too easy.
    The party LAUGH and GIGGLE. Suddenly, the screen goes STATIC
    and the game FREEZES.
    DEVELOPMENT TEAM
    Sir, we have a problem! This Ice Cavern
    we have cleverly designed to get in
    their way is only 4 screens long! All
    the graphic artists are passed out from
    jacking off to scat porn all day. What
    can we do to make the dungeon longer?
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    INCREASE AMOUNT OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!!!
    The game RESUMES and Zidane and Party are hit with a mind-
    boggingly amount of monsters.
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    We need more characters to help balance
    out this flow of random battles.
    Random CHARACTERS appear.
    QUINA QUEN
    Binks! Brings mee-sa food or you-ssa
    be puunee-ished!
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Ha! You look goofy enough. Come join
    us!
    VIVI ORUNITIA
    Well great. If another goofy cartoon
    character just so happens to pass by,
    we won't have room for him. What are
    we to do?
    ADELBERT STEINER
    I've had enough of your hoodlum
    schinanigens, Zidane! I must save the
    Princess!
    (runs off to another screen)
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    (confused)
    What the hell, she's right here stupid.
    PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
    Hey look, someone's coming!
    AMARANT CORAL
    Hello. I'm a wandering adventurer. I
    don't know what you guys have to do
    with my quest, but I'll sure as hell
    join you anyway.
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Sure, the more the plenty!
    This scene repeats until all characters have been accounted
    for.
    INT. FANTASY TOWN OF CLEYRA
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    We really should have more homosexual
    elements to REALLY return to our fantasy
    roots.
    FREYA CRESCENT
    Greetings folks. We need your help in
    defending this little town, but first,
    how about a retarded dance scene?
    All CHARACTERS and assorted CARTOONS and RATS rush in for a
    RIVERDANCE scene, which looks as ridiculous as the character
    models themselves. This is FANTASY.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    What the hell?
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! I AM A GENIUS!!!!
    CLEYRA CITIZENS
    Enough of these distractions! Please
    save us from a possible invasion!
    ZIDANE
    Of course, but only if your female rats
    don't reject my horribly contrived
    sexual advances.
    (winks)
    Zidane FAILS. He moves his SMALL FIGURE across the world map
    to the next area. This whole scenario repeats itself in
    different locations until all areas have been defeated.
    INT. FANTASY END BOSS STAGE TREE THINGY PLACE
    ZIDANE preps for climactic fantasy big-boss fight.
    CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
    I am truly the embodiment of evil.
    (flings hair back)
    How can you pitiful wacky-looking
    cartoons hope to defeat my ambiguously
    gay prowess?
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    Perhaps some improvised Western martial
    arts will solve our dilemma. Let us
    enter into a trance state.
    ZIDANE and PARTY line up and begin channeling their CHI on
    KUJA.
    CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
    (flings hair back)
    Oh, you are sooo dead. Meet mini-me.
    Kuja creates an entirely other VILLAIN from out of nowhere
    to add CHALLENGE. Zidane uses powerful Trance skills to
    summon an ANVIL that falls out of the sky and kills them
    both.
    GAME VILLAINS
    (dies)
    ZIDANE TRIBAL
    What have we learned from all of this?
    Nothing. Why the hell was this game
    made? It totally sucked.
    PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
    No kidding. Well at least this wasn't a
    teen-driven melodramatic disaster like
    that last one.
    PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
    Teens???!!! This gives me another idea
    for a Final Fantasy game! Get set for
    part ten, gamers!!
    GAME OVER.
    


	8. Kabuki Warriors


    KABUKI WARRIORS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    by Jack Bullions
    INT. BADLY ANIMATED SET IN EDO
    SHIROKO
    (badly dubbed)
    Kabuki is traditional form of Japanese
    theater. It was founded early in 17th
    century by Okuni, a shrine maiden who
    brought unique and lively dance style to
    dry river beds of ancient capital city
    of Kyoto, and over the next 300 years
    this has somehow, developed into X-Box
    video game. Where are my Kabuki dance-
    partners?
    GENKI/LIGHTWEIGHT COMPANY
    Sorry, never finished them. A few of us
    decided to go herbal halfway and we sort
    of forgot about the game until a day
    before the release. Improvise.
    SHIROKO channels his CHI inwards and creates TWO DOUBLES of
    himself.
    SHIROKO
    (badly dubbed)
    And now we will continue Kabuki
    tradition by journeying to Kyoto and
    battling many 2-Dimensional Figures for
    money.
    (pause)
    Does this make any sense?
    SHIROKO and HIS DOUBLES move their dots across the map to the
    next town.
    INT. BADLY ANIMATED SET IN [INSERT RANDOM JAPANESE WORD
    HERE] TOWN
    Japanese STEREOTYPES appear and battle SHIROKO.
    SHIROKO
    (badly dubbed)
    Ah-ha! Your skin made of pasty facial
    cream prohibits you from moving side to
    side. Prepare to meet super hand
    detachment attack. KIAI!
    His HAND separates from his body and smacks STEREOTYPE.
    Meanwhile, someone takes a stick and bangs on an empty metal
    garbage can to emulate sound effects.
    JAPANESE STEREOTYPE
    (badly dubbed)
    Impressive display. Allow me to look
    silly and defeat you with homosexual
    prowess. KIAI!
    JAPANESE STEREOTYPE expands his pants and begins FLUTTERING
    through the air. He tries to kick SHIROKO, but SHIROKO'S
    HEAD detaches from his body and evades the blow.
    SHIROKO then swings his stick and it triggers an EXPLOSIVE
    PACK, we assume, on STEREOTYPE. A GALLON of blood explodes.
    STEREOTYPE does the same. This repeats back and forth until
    the ENERGY BAR drops to nothing, or the screen is covered
    entirely in BLOOD.
    MORTAL KOMBAT FANS
    This is boring. Where are the combo
    moves? Where's the strategy involved?
    SHIROKO and STEREOTYPE stop fighting, strike a pose at the
    audience, and they begin DANCING. This is absolutely
    FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
    Eventually one of them drops dead. STRATEGY is then
    attempted by allowing GAMERS to trade Kabuki dancers for more
    ridiculous looking Kabuki dancers.
    This whole scene repeats itself in different towns and
    locations until Kyoto has been reached.
    INT. MICROSOFT'S HEADQUARTERS
    BILL GATES
    Hmm... Bukkake Warriors. A Japanese
    fighting game. It has to be great!
    SHIROKO
    You mean Kabuki Warriors, Honorable Rich
    Man with 5 Dollar Haircut.
    BILL GATES
    (begins stamping Microsoft's Seal
    of Approval at the assembly line)
    I could care less.
    GAME OVER.
    


	9. King's Field II


    KING'S FIELD II: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    by Jack Bullions
    INT. FROM SOFTWARE STUDIOS
    PRODUCER SHINICHIRO NISHIDA walks into the production studio.
    He takes a MAGIC MARKER and carefully writes a Roman numeral
    II next to the first King's Field game.
    PRODUCER SHINICHIRO NISHIDA
    Now I have a good sequel.
    CUE: Monty Python's Money Song.
    GAME OVER.
    


	10. Lunar: The Silver Star Story


    LUNAR: THE SILVER STAR: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    by Jack Bullions
    EXT. AMERICANIZED BURG - DAY
    A young mute boy, ALEX, visits the memorial of his hero,
    DRAGONMASTER DYNE, with his comedy-relief/pet, NALL. He
    fantasizes about the hero's life when suddenly VICTOR IRELAND
    appears in the form of WHITE DEVIL and steps on everything,
    including the plot. All characters become squashed and flat.
    This effect lasts throughout the game.
    ALL GAMERS
    What the hell?
    (looks at the game)
    Innovative... 32-bit graphics... we...
    promise. What the fuck?
    A squashed-looking and flat RAMUS appears.
    RAMUS
    Hello, best friend. I want a donut.
    Well, that's the extent of my character.
    NALL
    YEAH RIGHT, FATBOY! I DON'T SEE AN
    EXTENT OF THAT TUMMY. THAT WAS A JOKE!
    LAUGH AT ME!!
    RAMUS
    Don't push it, Nall. Anyway, I know you
    want to be a great hero like Dyne when
    you grow up, Alex, so I was thinking
    maybe we should go find your girlfriend,
    ahem, sister, and then we can go snoop
    around in some dangerous cave and somehow
    spawn a generic save-the-world plot from
    there? Isn't that convenient?
    NALL
    THEN LET'S BOOGEY!!
    LUNA, with "CLICHED" stamped on her forehead, appears in a
    drawn out anime cut sequence.
    LUNA
    Here I am! I was just playing with
    myself while thinking about you, Alex.
    I'm so in love with you, but I'm too shy
    to admit it. How do you like that
    masturbation reference?
    ALEX
    (shrugs)
    NALL
    WHAT THE HELL?!! WHAT DEMOGRAPHIC ARE WE
    TARGETING AGAIN?
    NOAH
    Don't you need my permission first, son?
    I am your father and I love you and your
    sister, Luna. This becomes extremely
    disturbing because not once have I told
    you she is adopted so you have to be
    under the assumption Luna is your natural
    sister.
    NALL
    OKAY, THAT JUST BROUGHT UP SERIOUS ISSUES
    FOR ME! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TWO
    THINKING?
    NOAH
    Anyway, we'll save that bombshell until
    Ghaleon mindlessly decides to takeover
    the world and we're sent to the mines for
    hard labor. Go ahead and adventure, son.
    INT. AMERICANIZED CAVE - DAY
    ALEX and PARTY enter the cave, after going through a needless
    subquest to remove friggin ICE from a door. They meet a wise
    old dragon named QUARK.
    QUARK
    Ahhh... young Dragonboy. The time has
    come, hasn't it? You have the green
    eyes.
    ALEX
    (apprehensive)
    QUARK
    What's the matter with you, boy? Cat got
    your tongue?
    NALL
    CAT?!! I AM NOT A CAT!!
    VICTOR IRELAND
    Ah-Ha! That was a funny joke! I will now
    repeat this needlessly throughout the
    game.
    Annoyingly enough, he DOES.
    QUARK
    I also recognize you, Luna! You will be
    quite important. Here's a piece of my
    dragon shit, uh, diamond. Ha! How do
    you like that for irony? This should
    help you progress to the next section of
    this cartoon.
    NALL
    I SERIOUSLY THINK I JUST MIGHT BE THE
    MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER IN EXISTENCE!
    QUARK
    Quiet, son. Whoops, did I give too much
    away? Wait a second, how the hell could
    a scale-covered Godzilla like myself
    spawn a scrawny fur-covered cat like him?
    NALL
    I AM NOT A DAMN CAT!!
    EXT. RANDOM AMERICANIZED LOCATIONS - DAY
    LAIKE/DYNE
    Hello. I will make awkward appearances
    now and then to help you unravel this
    extremely simplistic quest. Now figure
    a way to get off this island.
    Laike LEAVES.
    NALL
    ALEX! WE HAVE TO TRAVEL TO THE WORLD
    BEYOND IN ORDER TO SELL THIS DIAMOND!
    ALEX
    (nods)
    LUNA
    What's that, Alex? You want to go
    because you want to adventure? But what
    about me? Oh, I see. I love you, too.
    I'll be waiting then. Good-bye.
    SQUARESOFT GAMERS
    What the hell is this?
    VICTOR IRELAND
    Ha ha! Fuck you Squaresoft! Whereas
    your shitty games are focused around a
    hero with an established character, we
    provide a hero that is free of all
    emotion and personality so our gamers can
    insert whoever and whatever they want in
    it, subconsciously.
    REGULAR GAMERS
    That doesn't make it a true or better RPG
    like you're so desperately trying to
    prove with that Bugs Bunny story, you
    twit. All you've done is inject
    senseless "modern" lines in a boring
    fantasy game in a futile attempt to draw
    money from the States. Feel free to take
    another Japanese game though and destroy
    it.
    EXT. AMERICANIZED MERIBIA - DAY
    Nall uses the power of SARCASM to help Alex reach a new city.
    More MODERN cartoon characters appear and more comedy relief
    ensues.
    NALL
    BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, LET'S GET SOME
    MILK AND DRINK! IT DOES A BODY GOOD!
    AND SOME M&Ms, AND FUCK COURTNEY LOVE.
    SHE SUCKS!!! AND WOULD YOU PASS THE
    GREY-POUPON PLEASE?!
    GAME CRITICS
    Oh wow! American pop-culture references!
    HILARIOUS!!
    REGULAR GAMERS
    And tell me that doesn't severely ruin
    the sense of fantasy of the game.
    VICTOR IRELAND
    No! I'm a moron! This game is actually
    a comedy!
    Alex and Party spend the next 2 hours trying to sell a
    fucking DIAMOND.
    RAMUS
    Look at all of that money. We could buy
    lots of healing potions with that and
    swords! Look at this one. Let's see.
    Hey, length does matter!
    GAME CRITICS
    That is sooo clever!!
    RAMUS
    Yes, this is certainly more in tune with
    the vulgar American society. Now the
    players can relate to this game despite
    the sword-wielding and magic-casting and
    the funny numbers that seem to go down
    when we get hit. By the way, I'm
    leaving. Apparently the writers didn't
    have a clue what to do with my fat ass
    besides being the butt of Nall's jokes.
    Ramus LEAVES, and ALEX and NALL head for the next town.
    INT. AMERICANIZED VANE - DAY
    GHALEON
    I am dressed in black. I have kick-ass
    magic, and I have long hair. I am
    probably the game villain.
    (looks at the piece of toilet paper
    Victor Ireland used to translate
    the game)
    Yep, I am. Meet your party.
    TEMPEST
    I have long hair, and I am grim. Oh, and
    I also have a hot girlfriend because all
    cool heroes have one. If I am not a sorry
    excuse of a Saturday morning cartoon, I
    don't know who is. By the way, is there
    a reason why I have the terms Fairie and
    Pixie attached to my weapons?
    NASH
    Greetings, peasants! I am an arrogant
    asshole, and I am here to develop one
    insignificant plot twist which proves
    what a bigger asshole I really am.
    KYLE
    And I am an arrogant and horny asshole.
    We need some teenage girls here to
    develop extraneous romance with.
    TEENAGE GIRLS appear and join the party.
    MIA
    Hi! I nuke! And I whine!
    JESSICA
    Hi! I heal! That appears to be all we
    ever contribute to this game.
    KYLE
    Not so, babe. Your pointy-tipped ears
    turn me on so I shall give you plenty of
    attention, although I still think all
    women belong on their knees. Want a
    rim job?
    JESSICA
    Why is it that every RPG has to have a
    couple of worthless fucks?
    NALL
    WOW! WE JUST MIGHT BE THE FIRST GAME
    WHERE THE PLAYER WISHES EVERYONE IN THE
    PARTY DIES!
    GHALEON
    This game is definitely not Final Fantasy.
    Alex, please take me to Burg.
    EXT. AMERICANIZED BURG - DAY
    GHALEON
    Now I am completely mad and looney! I
    blame the Goddess Althena and, for some
    reason, the entire world for the death
    of my best friend, Dyne. No wait, I will
    do all of that and I shall harness the
    power of Althena as well since she's
    doing such a shitty job at whatever she
    does, and I'll destroy the world, because
    that is what all game villains do, right?
    Seriously, this actually happens. Ghaleon heads for Quark's
    cave.
    GHALEON
    Starting with you!
    QUARK
    Come again?
    Ghaleon tears Quark a new one and leaves to plot GLOBAL
    CONSPIRACY or some SHIT on various Towers distributed evenly
    throughout the game map.
    INT. AMERICANIZED TOWER - DAY
    KYLE
    Spank my monkey...
    NALL
    SCREW THAT!! LET'S END THIS GAME!!
    GHALEON
    Pathetic boy! You have not gathered
    enough items to defeat my malevolent
    powers! Come back in one week.
    Alex LOSES. GHALEON and his tribe of EVIL CHARACTERS kidnap
    LUNA and they force her with Ghaleon's powers of EVILNESS to
    become GODDESS ALTHENA and destroy VANE.
    NALL
    D'OH!!
    GAME CRITIC
    Oh my God! What a tragedy! We can only
    assume Ghaleon is a tragic villain
    because he is a victim of his own noble
    but misguided retribution. This is so
    much better than the Final Fantasy games
    I've been giving 9s and 10s for. Someone
    pull that stick out of my ass, please.
    JESSICA
    Isn't it odd the lengths Ghaleon will go
    just for sheer vengeance even though
    you're still alive. Makes me wonder what
    your actual relationship with him is,
    Dyne.
    LAIKE/DYNE
    I'm completely innocent here, but what I
    find disturbing is how this game actively
    promotes sexual tension and other sexual
    innuendos between 15-year olds, and even
    more disturbing is how ravenous fans seem
    to elevate this game beyond its
    simplicity on the mere fact that it uses
    bathroom humor in spite of its generic
    story. I suppose in this day of age we
    consider this normal like how we consider
    incest and homosexuality humorous!
    KYLE
    A Homer-sexual? You could say that
    again. I'm so frightened and scared of
    Ghaleon now. Let's just drink and create
    comedy relief.
    JESSICA
    Kyle, you will fight, or no poontang.
    KYLE
    Then I'll definitely be fighting but I
    get to 69 you as well, right?
    JESSICA
    Don't push your luck, buster.
    INT. GHALEON'S AMERICANIZED PALACE - DAY
    GHALEON
    Soon the whole world will be mine! Wah-
    hah-hah-hah!
    NALL
    BAD GUY!! LET'S GET HIM!!
    ALEX and PARTY kill GHALEON. Then he comes back. They KILL
    him again. Then he comes back. They KILL him again
    fulfilling the last possible cliche of a video game.
    JESSICA
    Okay, Alex, all you have to do now is go
    climb that ledge and uh, convince Luna
    not to kill you.
    ALEX proceeds to explain to Luna/Althena, telepathically, why
    this game must end quickly so that a sequel can be developed
    and then be rushed to the States.
    LUNA/ALTHENA
    Oh, I see. I love you, Alex! No, you
    don't have to say anything. I just know
    because this is not Final Fantasy and our
    romance has to be good.
    ALEX
    (nods)
    JESSICA
    And I love you, Kyle, despite no reason
    whatsoever provided in the game.
    KYLE
    And I love you, too.
    MIA
    And I love you, Nash, for vague reasons.
    NASH
    And you back.
    NALL
    I LOVE YOU ALL! WOW! WHAT A HAPPY
    ENDING!!! THIS WILL CERTAINLY BE THE
    GREATEST RPG EVER!!
    ALEX carries LUNA out and the CHARACTERS laugh and cheer just
    as the game FREEZES and ENDS.
    REGULAR GAMERS
    What the hell was all that?
    (tosses CD out the window)
    SQUARESOFT GAMERS
    This game totally sucks. It's nothing
    like Final Fantasy or anything Squaresoft
    have produced. I will now write to the
    Working Designs official website
    explaining my displeasure laced with
    profanity.
    GAME OVER.
    


	11. Paladin's Quest


    PALADIN'S QUEST: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    EXT. LENNUS
    The world is in CHAOS.
    GENERIC FANTASY KINGDOM A
    We are from the North. We hate the
    South.
    GENERIC FANTASY KINGDOM B
    We are from the South, and we hate the
    North.
    GENERIC FANTASY KINGDOM A
    Perhaps we should go to war and magnify
    the stupidity of the game hero and his
    upcoming ludicrous quest?
    INT. MAGIC SCHOOL
    DUKE and CHEZNI learn magic. They meet up later after class.
    DUKE
    There is a conveniently placed Tower
    nearby that obviously doesn't house
    something big and evil. I triple dog
    dare you to go climb it with me.
    CHEZNI
    Sure. Let's be morons and fiddle with
    things man was not meant to know.
    They climb the TOWER and release EVIL. Everyone DIES.
    CHEZNI
    FUCK!
    GAME OVER.
    


	12. Parasite Eve


    PARASITE EVE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    INT. SQUARE STUDIO
    CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER and FELLOW CONSPIRATOR meets
    SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER and discuss about a possible
    game together.
    CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
    (to friend)
    Har. Har. We will teach Americans
    a lesson not to compete with us in
    the RPG market.
    FELLOW CONSPIRATOR
    (to friend)
    Agreed. Their American football,
    beer-guzzling, lazy antics can not
    hope to match our incredible
    needlessly convoluted games. Let's
    make a game with them and show how
    inferior they are.
    SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER
    So what are we going to make?
    Dragons? Warriors? Magic?
    CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
    None of that. We will make a game
    all-American. We could even base
    it in an American city called New
    York with a tough American cop.
    SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER
    I'm catching on. We'll have guns!
    Explosions! Fast cars!
    FELLOW CONSPIRATOR
    Yes and we will use some obscene
    psuedo-scientific storyline as the
    backdrop.
    CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
    And we'll use a woman rather than
    our male heroes this time because
    Americans are all about sex.
    SCAPEGOAT AMERICAN DEVELOPER
    Wow! This game looks totally awesome!
    To think this may finally prove we are a
    legit game company and not just a cruel
    Japanese joke!
    CRAFTY SQUARE DEVELOPER
    (evil grin)
    Suuuuuuure.
    INT. SOME HUMAN BLOODTSREAM
    MITOCHONDRION #1
    I'm sick of making all this energy
    for our cells. Such slavery.
    MITOCHONDRION #2
    I'm with you on that. Let's defy
    common sense biology and steal the
    bodies and warp them into deadly
    mutants for our own use.
    The Mitochondria CACKLE.
    GEORGE LUCAS
    Mitochondria? Hey, that gives me a
    great idea for my very own obscene
    pseudo-sci-fi-fantasy story!
    INT. CARNEGIE HALL
    AYA BREA, the American NYPD rookie cop is watching MELISSA
    PEARCE aka EVE's play with some COMPUTER GRAPHIC date.
    MELISSA PEARCE
    (waves arm)
    Oh no, it's that time of the month
    again.
    Suddenly, a CUT SEQUENCE, and Eve uses intense powers of
    the Mitochondria to EXPLODE people left and right except
    for Aya Brea.
    AYA BREA
    (waves arm)
    Interesting. How could a simple
    woman do that? My detective
    instincts tell me to investigate.
    Aya Brea steps to the stage and BATTLES Melissa. Melissa
    LOSES.
    MELISSA PEARCE
    (waves arm)
    I must flee!
    She smacks Aya Brea with a CUT SEQUENCE, and runs away in
    some slow-paced manner. Aya Brea wakes up and chases after
    her in some slow-paced manner.
    INT. BACK STAGE SOMEWHERE
    Huge-ass MUTANT RATS and some PARROT ambush Aya Brea. Aya
    Brea uses her intense concentration of Mitochodria,
    although she doesn't know it yet, with her GUN to BEAT
    them.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Shit. I have no ammo left for
    anymore fights.
    AYA BREA
    (waves arm)
    No problem.
    Aya pulls open closet drawers instead of treasure chests
    because this is America and picks up many AMMUNITION and
    some BODY ARMOR. This is OBSCENE GAME LOGIC.
    Aya Brea runs into Melissa again. Melissa TURNS INTO Eve
    and they BATTLE. Melissa LOSES again and slaps many CUT
    SEQUENCES on Aya Brea to run away.
    INT. AMERICAN POLICE STATION
    Aya Brea wakes up from the cut sequences.
    AYA BREA
    (waves arm)
    Odd. I seem to recognize this
    Melissa. We must have a
    connection. Where are my allies?
    Enter TOKEN VETERAN COP and JAPANESE SCIENTIST HERO.
    TOKEN VETERAN COP
    (waves arm)
    I am very serious about my work.
    See? I'm black, and a veteran cop.
    I'm so serious, let me introduce
    you to my son, Sub-plot, who I do
    not pay much attention to.
    JAPANESE SCIENTIST HERO
    (waves arm)
    I am Asian that means I am a super
    genius and pacifist and the guy to
    root for because I am hopelessly in
    love with you.
    They EXPLAIN PLOT to her using many CUT SEQUENCES.
    AYA BREA
    (waves arm)
    Makes sense to me now. This is
    certainly a threat to all citizens
    including the world if Mitochodria
    are involved. We have to evacuate
    the city immediately.
    SOME ANONYMOUS NEW YORK MAYOR
    (waves arm)
    Done.
    AYA BREA
    (waves arm)
    What? We evacuated over eight
    million people just like that?
    Amazing. Let's kill Eve now.
    SOME OTHER COP
    (waves arm)
    You'll need bigger guns.
    AYA BREA
    (waves arm)
    Don't worry. I can just pick them
    all up on the streets. This is
    American New York City with guns
    everywhere after all.
    After many CUT SEQUENCES --
    INT. AMERICAN NAVY CRUISER
    AYA BREA
    (waves arm)
    The ignorance of this game alone is
    enough to kill you. Time to die,
    Eve.
    MELISSA PEARCE
    I'll save you the trouble.
    Melissa waves her arm and leaps into the water.
    GAME OVER.
    


	13. Parasite Eve II


    PARASITE EVE 2: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    by Jack Bullions
    EXT. LOS ANGELES CUT SEQUENCE
    Assorted PIECES OF CGI, pretending to be SWAT, are running
    towards the AKROPOLIS TOWER.
    PIECE OF CGI #1
    It's such a lovely day today. Too bad
    we're all going to die gruesomely.
    PIECE OF CGI #2
    Jennifer Love Hewitt pretending she has
    a singing career again?
    PIECE OF CGI #1
    Worse. I think we're going to get our
    faces eaten by rejected Resident Evil
    models, and whatever else the Graphic
    Artists decide to throw at us.
    PIECE OF CGI #2
    Of course.
    They enter the Tower and DIE gruesomely. HELICOPTERS crash
    onto the street resulting in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS which
    ignite nearby CARS and cause more EXPLOSIONS. More BODIES
    and CARS continue to EXPLODE until the CUT SEQUENCE finishes.
    DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
    Burn, baby, burn!! Yeah! Yeah!
    INT. AKROPOLIS TOWER
    AYA BREA, looking mysteriously younger, appears and uses her
    intense concentration of mitochondria elements to defeat
    DISGUSTING PIECES of mitochondria-controlled CGI, or blow
    them up in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS if time permits.
    AYA BREA
    What? Don't tell me we're still
    fiddling around with this heinous
    quasi-scientific bullshit after three
    years?
    GRAPHIC ARTISTS
    Hey, Iwao-sama... no one told us that
    this sequel was going to be set three
    years after. A 27-year old woman?
    Unheard of! We can't jack off to our
    conceptual drawings now. She is so...
    mature and old!
    DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
    Kuso! We certainly can not allow that
    in our teen-obsessive corporation. I
    will now tack on one obscene quasi-
    scientific explanation to justify the
    absurdity about to happen next. We can
    even call this game a cinematic RPG
    even though I haven't a God's honest
    clue why. I mean what in the hell is
    so cinematic about a hack with no
    voice-actors, right?
    OBSCENE QUASI-SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION occurs.
    AYA BREA
    Wow! I'm suddenly younger, sexier, and
    more blonde. If this isn't a great
    example of our many annoying marketing
    ploys used to sucker gamers into buying
    our mediocre sequels, I don't know what
    is. I hope the gamers don't notice.
    RABID SQUARE FANATICS
    Miniskirt! Tits! Tits! Miniskirt!
    AYA BREA
    Excellent.
    A CGI monster creeps up to AYA while she poses seductively.
    RUPERT BRODERICK appears and saves AYA from the monster.
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    Hey, you really should be careful out
    here. You only have 100 Hit Points,
    biz-natch.
    AYA BREA
    Thanks, Rupert. Not only have I gone
    younger physically, but apparently in
    the three years since the first game
    I've gone from a reserved, hard-ass cop
    to a boring, mindless tart.
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    Yeah, okay, just don't expect me to bail
    you out everytime. What's going to
    happen if I get hurt?
    (injures arm)
    Well shit, I suppose that's it for me.
    From now on you can just refer to me as
    meaningless character.
    AYA BREA
    Hmm, something tells me you won't be the
    only meaningless character. So what
    should I do now?
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    Well let's see, common sense dictates we
    should call for back-up, but since this
    game is all about you, we'll send no
    one.
    AYA BREA
    Aren't you the least bit worried about
    my well-being?
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    Actually, I'm more worried everyone will
    confuse this game with Resident Evil.
    Now go wander by yourself.
    EXT. ROOFTOPS
    AYA BREA meets NO. 9, the LEVEL BOSS and they go into BATTLE
    MODE. Director Kenichi Iwao, believing he hasn't kicked
    Rabid Square Fanatics' collective balls hard enough with this
    hack, re-arranges the wiring on the PLAYER CONTROLS and
    shifts the CAMERA into neck-craning angles. This lasts
    throughtout the game.
    AYA BREA
    You seem to be quite inept and slow-
    witted in this fight. Quite clearly my
    mitochondria and rambunctious
    maneuvering are far superior to yours.
    NO. 9
    Yes, very impressive indeed, but I can
    not die here. I haven't showed up
    randomly enough to emulate true horror
    and suspense. We will meet again.
    NO. 9 performs a MATRIX maneuver and leaves in a FIERY CGI
    EXPLOSION.
    INT. MITOCHONDRION INVESTIGATION & SUPPRESSION TEAM
    HEADQUARTERS
    AYA and RUPERT enter, walking past numerous PRODUCT
    PLACEMENTS and juvenile UNREALISTIC FEDERAL AGENTS. They
    explain their mission results to the M.I.S.T. boss, ERIC
    "HAL" BALDWIN.
    AYA BREA
    (holding a Coke can)
    I met some walking CGI with a mask
    making vague threats about something or
    another. Guess those NMCs are back at
    it again, I don't know, I'm not paying
    attention to this damn game.
    ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
    (also holding a Coke can)
    I see. Well, there's only one thing to
    do... act oblivous... and drink Coke.
    Look gamers!!! Coke can!! You are
    thirsty! Very thirsty! BUY COCA-COLA!
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    Hey boss, maybe you oughta do something
    to help move this plot along?
    ERIC looks at RUPERT in bewilderment.
    ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
    What plot? This game has one?
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    Yeah, we need info files, man.
    ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
    Oh, right, excuse me...
    (handing Aya the Resident
    Evil and Fear Effect game
    CDs)
    ... here are the information files for
    your next mission. We are currently
    somewhere between character
    introductions and killing zombies I
    think. Check it out.
    AYA BREA inserts Resident Evil GAME CD into the office's SONY
    PLAYSTATION. She picks up the CONTROL PAD.
    AYA BREA
    Hmmm, select character. Got it. Okay,
    according to this, I have to go pay a
    visit to some locales set in the middle
    of nowhere.
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    You're kidding, right?
    AYA BREA
    Nopers. And hey, looks like they're
    overrun with monsters created from
    freakish genetic experimentations, too.
    RUPERT BRODERICK
    Jesus Christ, was there any effort put
    into making this game unique or
    original? This is absolutely
    ridiculous.
    ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
    That's nothing. If Aya wants some gear,
    she'll have to buy it from us, employee
    or not. BWA-HA-HA-HA!
    EXT. MOJAVE DESERT
    AYA puts on her best Lara Croft attire, and arrives in the
    desert.
    AYA BREA
    I am, like, so hot, in every sense of
    the word.
    EXT. DRYFIELD
    AYA wanders around town and meets several PARASITE EVE 2
    cartoon characters.
    GARY DOUGLAS
    Yee-haw. Gun-toting American here. I
    am a game merchant, which means I have
    no real personality.
    KYLE MADIGAN
    Private Investigator here. I am the
    game romance. I have no real
    personality either but I do play a very
    well unabashed idiot.
    (trying to look young and handsome)
    Say, you wanna climb into the backseat
    and test out the shocks on this baby?
    AYA BREA
    Whatever. Just fulfill your meaningless
    roles and either sell me weapons and
    body armor to fight these zombies... uh,
    mitochondria-controlled mutants, or help
    me kill them.
    AYA and KYLE wander around town, pumping ONE-HUNDRED ROUNDS
    into FUCKING ZOMBIE RATS for crying out loud, while also
    solving inane puzzles that were rejected from RESIDENT EVIL.
    KYLE MADIGAN
    We need the key locked inside this cash
    register to help us progress plot.
    AYA BREA
    Well, let's see... in order to open
    this, we need to solve a math problem,
    which will require us to retrace our
    steps and check every nook and cranny
    for birthdates. What fun!
    RABID SQUARE FANATICS
    To open a cash register? Why don't I
    just break it instead?
    DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
    What? And make this game coherent and
    short? We must add as many puzzles as
    we can to extend length of this game.
    This is Squaresoft thinking!
    AYA and KYLE retrace their steps, searching CABINETS and
    DRAWERS by pushing X-Button too many times to discover CLUES.
    RABID SQUARE FANATICS
    How are you expecting this to be any
    good as the original? This entire game
    is a brainless amalgam of everything
    that happened in Resident Evil which in
    itself was a mindless translation from
    Biohazard.
    AYA BREA
    Uh, oh. Looks like even the most rabid
    of Square fans are getting antsy. I
    think I'll slip into something
    gratuitous, or better yet, go take a
    shower. That'll wake them.
    Aya shows a whole lot of NECK, SHOULDER, SOME LEG, and
    nothing else. This gives RABID SQUARE FANATICS enough
    excitement to endure the last half of this monstrosity.
    EXT. RANDOM LOCATIONS IN DRYFIELD
    AYA and KYLE move around the town, gathering more clues,
    consuming more time, and shooting ZOMBIE... uh-MITOCHONDRIA-
    CONTROLLED MUTANTS.
    AYA BREA
    I have carefully calculated the point
    of origin of this intricately copied
    game.
    KYLE MADIGAN
    Yes, indeed. Who would have thought
    there's an underground installation
    here that caused this unfortunate
    accident?
    (pause)
    Oh, wait...
    Aya and Kyle head out to the desert and walk onto the set of
    JURASSIC PARK.
    KYLE MADIGAN
    Yes, yes, this certainly looks like the
    place.
    AYA BREA
    Hmm... look at all of these experiments
    and genetic mutations. They seem
    familiar.
    NO. 9 reappears to explain plot.
    NO. 9
    Indeed they are! Human evolution is so
    limited and as a result of that
    incredible enlightenment we took your
    DNA when you were a little girl and made
    clones of perfect super-zombie-humans!
    Like Eve!
    AYA BREA
    That's the dumbest plotline I've ever
    heard.
    NO. 9
    You obviously have never seen the rest
    of our games.
    AYA BREA
    True. Oh well, guess I should go kill
    Eve all over again, unless something
    distracts us.
    MARINES arrive, distracting plot.
    INT. WHITE HOUSE
    AMERICAN PRESIDENT
    I am a President, and I live in America,
    therefore, I must be an American
    President.
    DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
    Ha ha! Take that Capcom! We're using
    an actual American President we have
    concocted mindlessly. I will now draw
    attention to American stupidity.
    OFFICIAL LOOKING MAN
    Mr. President, our men have secured the
    area but our Graphic Artists Division
    firmly believes its necessary that our
    predicament can only be resolved by one
    massive CGI explosion.
    AMERICAN PRESIDENT
    Very well. Use the Super Secret Happy
    Yamato Death Ray Thingamajig.
    EXT. MOHAVE DESERT
    THE TOWN, assorted COCA-COLA DISPENSERS, and ALL RATIONALITY
    blow up in a FIERY CGI EXPLOSION.
    EXT. JURASSIC PARK SET
    ULTIMA-WHATEVER-EVE
    What the hell am I doing back in this
    game?
    AYA BREA
    As a reminder that this is Parasite Eve
    and not a carelessly recycled Resident
    Evil game. That's a good one, right?
    Time to die.
    Ultima-Whatever-Eve DIES.
    AYA BREA
    I love you, Kyle!
    KYLE MADIGAN
    Huh? Uh, sure.
    AYA and KYLE jump on board a COCA-COLA BLIMP and fly away
    into the sunset.
    GAME OVER.
    


	14. SaGa Frontier


    SaGa FRONTIER: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    INT. SCRAPTOWN BAR
    A couple of CLICHÉ CHARACTERS walk into the bar. They bump
    around absently with no clear direction where to go.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Whee! Back to Super Nintendo
    graphics.
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER LUTE
    I am here to form a band, but I
    do not know how to proceed. Who
    will want to come with me?
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER T-260
    Interesting. Allow this mecha to
    join you after mecha introduced
    completes its task to discover the
    meaning of real life.
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER BLUE
    I, too, will join but I first must
    kill my brother to become the
    ultimate and bestest magician in
    the world.
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER RED
    I must become the greatest comic
    book hero ever!
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER ASELLUS
    I may consider joining you. A
    rich man ran me over because I am
    poor and I somehow survived with
    transfusion of Mystic blood. This
    made me super-hero!
    Characters ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.
    SQUALL LEONHART
    Ha-ha-ha! Hey, look at them,
    everyone! And you thought our
    names were ridiculous!
    A couple of other CLICHÉ CHARACTERS spout some stupid
    dialogue about their slightly interconnected PLOTS. They
    think this is NON-LINEAR but this is a FUCKING TRAIL-MIX of
    NONSENSICAL STORYLINES.
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER RED
    Let us quest!
    Characters dart off in different directions and Video Game
    Player is hit with SaGa-headaches to keep up with different
    plots.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    What the fuck? You want me to play
    through this monstrosity an absurd
    number of times just to view each
    plot in its entirety? You call
    this replay value?
    BACK INSIDE THE BAR
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER GEN
    Forget these other characters. I
    will join you, Cliché Lute, for I
    am the greatest swordsman. Let's
    go.
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER LUTE
    I am so happy.
    They MOVE around and BUMP into things absently.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    (scratches head)
    So what the hell do I do?
    CLICHÉ CHARACTER LUTE
    I do not know. Let us walk
    aimlessly.
    They walk out of Scraptown and wander and they meet
    SPRIGGAN.
    SPRIGGAN
    I am your end boss. Because you
    have failed to fight hours of
    repetitive combat, I will kill
    you right now.
    Spriggan WASTES Lute and Gen.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    Well great. I could've skipped all
    of that and gone straight to you.
    Video Game Player restarts over and meets Spriggan again.
    Lute and Gen get WASTED over and over.
    GAME OVER.
    


	15. Star Ocean 2: The Second Story


    STAR OCEAN 2: THE SECOND STORY: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    INT. STARSHIP ENTERPRISE
    A FINAL FANTASY 7 wav file plays while assorted characters
    wander around the bridge doing Trek and sci-fi stuff.
    RANDOM CHARACTER
    Captain, we have discovered alien
    technology on this planet!
    RONIXIS J. KENNI
    By George, that deserves a closer
    inspection then. Mr. Worf, join my away
    team. Son, you should come, too, for
    some reason.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    It's about damn time I get to see some
    action. I hate sitting on this ship and
    doing nothing. N-yah!
    RONIXIS J. KENNI
    I see. Energize!
    The AWAY TEAM descends on the desolate planet and they
    investigate the ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.
    RONIXIS J. KENNI
    Hmm... tricorder readings indicate
    DANGER. Let us proceed... slowly.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    This is too damn slow. I deserve better
    than this rank. I'll show them and prove
    who the real Captain is.
    Crawd walks ahead of the group, towards the alien technology.
    RONIXIS J. KENNI
    Son? What are you doing? Didn't you
    hear me say be bloody careful?
    Crawd fiddles with the ALIEN TECHNOLOGY and zaps himself to
    PLANET EXPEL. Seriously.
    EXT. PLANET EXPEL
    Crawd wakes up in a forest.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    Gark! Where am I? Well I've proven to
    be quite an adept idiot thus far. I
    wonder what other things I'll do next?
    He takes out his COMMUNICATOR and tries to contact home.
    Then suddenly, he sees RENA LANFORD walking through the woods
    by herself, and a LARGE BROWN SPOT following her.
    The LARGE BROWN SPOT attacks, but CRAWD pulls out his phaser
    and KILLS it.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    I win! That was around... fifty points?
    (pause)
    Why the hell did I just say that?
    Rena runs away and Crawd chases after her. After awhile,
    they finally quit the happy horseshit and stop running.
    RENA LANFORD
    Thanks for saving me, stranger. You
    certainly look out of place here.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    What? Oh yes, I am more pixelated than
    you and I emote ever slightly more
    emotion. Check this out.
    An EXCLAMATION POINT appears over his head.
    RENA LANFORD
    Wow!
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    My approval rating is going up with you.
    I hope that means a possible romance
    then. Here, let me show you something
    else. This is my phaser.
    RENA LANFORD
    Is that the Sword of Light? You must be
    the Warrior of Legend!
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    No, it's a goddamn gun, you ditz. Wait a
    second, something's wrong here.
    (looks around)
    No technology? Oh God! No Sony CD
    Players, and no Playstations, and no DVD
    players! ARGH!
    RENA LANFORD
    I'll take you home with me and introduce
    you to the Mayor.
    INT. ARLIA VILLAGE
    MAYOR REGIS
    Welcome, Warrior of Legend. You will
    have to excuse our backwards society
    although by the way we talk and act you
    probably can't tell the difference.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    Yes, I can see that clearly. Anyway,
    since I'm here, you might as well
    describe my mission this game will be
    ignoring for two-thirds of the way.
    MAYOR REGIS
    Ah yes, we had a strange magical event
    that happened a few years ago. The God
    of Evil descended from the stars above in
    the form of a rock so that he may unleash
    his unholy wrath upon this world. I
    believe this is called Final Fantasy 5.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    That's ridiculous. It must be a
    meteorite.
    MAYOR REGIS
    Mee-to-what?
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    Nevermind. I'll pull out my handy Final
    Fantasy 5 cheatbook to dictate my course
    of action. Rena, come with me so that I
    can possibly develop some character
    beyond my idiocy.
    EXT. TOWN OF CROSS
    CRAWD and his party enter a new town. They begin
    investigating clues behind the game villain meteorite when
    SUBPLOTS suddenly attack.
    RANDOM CARTOON MAGE CHARACTER
    Ah-ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Soon the map will be
    mine, and I will become the ruler of Neo-
    Tokyo!
    CELINE JULES
    Darling, you are so outmatched. I summon
    the card Crazy Fish with Water Element
    attack! Yu-Gi-Oh Power!
    Random Cartoon Mage Character LOSES and sulks off.
    CELINE JULES
    Now then, you two complete strangers over
    there, I hope my bland, feminine voice
    which contrasts horribly with my overdone
    luscious body doesn't deter you from
    joining my adventure. Would you like to
    join my party?
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    Uh, I think not. I have a world-
    threatening conspiracy to deal with.
    CELINE JULES
    What? I don't think I heard you,
    Darling. Would you like to join my
    party?
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    I said no.
    This repeats for about 3 minutes. A QUESTION MARK appears
    over Crawd's head.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    (turns to the screen)
    What the fuck is the point of me choosing
    if you're only going to accept one
    choice? Is this going to happen often?
    YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI immediately opens up the Character
    Editor and erases all reasoning from Crawd and drops his IQ
    by 300 points.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    Let us move straight forward to the
    answer then! My sword is moist for
    action!
    RENA LANFORD
    What?
    CELINE JULES approval rating increases.
    EXT. RANDOM GENERIC DUNGEONS
    CRAWD with party journeys into a cave. The collect ITEMS.
    They kill MONSTERS. BOSSES pop up from the ground and they
    are killed. The GAME becomes lengthy by having this repeat
    in various locations until half the game is finished.
    Virtually NOTHING in the plot is discovered.
    EXT. GAME MAP
    After hours of fun, Crawd looks back and discovers ASSORTED
    CARTOONS have suddenly joined.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    What the -? I guess you people can tag
    along. What can you all do for me?
    ASSORTED CARTOONS
    Nothing, but we do have the amazing
    ability to utter ridiculous dialogue.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    That's a matter of course. Now all we
    need is more XP and items.
    ONE OF THE ASSORTED CARTOONS
    Ah ha! Just the types I'm looking for
    then. You see we need to develop this
    really big gun in order to stop this
    invasion of monsters. Join my adventure,
    please?
    RENA LANFORD
    Um, plot here?
    ONE OF THE ASSORTED CARTOONS
    We'll get there, honey. Rome wasn't
    built in a day you know.
    RENA LANFORD
    I thought our planet has no Warp-drive
    technology or whatever Star Trek babble
    excuse we have for our primitive
    backwards society? How the hell could
    you know anything about a city on Earth?
    YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI immediately opens up the Character
    Editor and erases all reasoning from Rena and drops her IQ by
    300 points.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYERS
    Goddamn, is this game going anywhere?
    The planet of EXPEL is DESTROYED and a CITY filled with PLOT
    EXPLANATIONS drops out of the sky, literally.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    There! Move straight forward to
    progress!
    INT. CENTRAL CITY
    NARL
    A random party of adventurers!
    Excellent. You are the only ones capable
    of defeating this menace.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    Because I'm the Warrior of Legend?
    NARL
    Huh?
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    You know, the original damn reason that
    got me here in the first place.
    NARL
    I have absolutely no idea what you're
    talking about.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    That's a matter of course. Please
    describe to me another reason why I even
    exist then.
    YAMAGISHI YOSHINORISHI
    Ah-ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Since Xenogears wasn't
    insulting enough, I, too, will add quasi-
    religious themes to make our game sound
    more philosophical and complex.
    QUASI-RELIGIOUS THEME occurs.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    God's Ten Wisemen are to blame for this
    mayhem?
    NARL
    Yeah, sure. Anyway, your little
    communicator there has somehow generated
    a strong enough signal to alert your
    father at the other end of the galaxy.
    He will be coming to get you, but to
    further enhance your character, he will
    have to die.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    But...
    NARL
    No buts! All game heroes must have a
    reason to defeat the game villain besides
    moral obligation or common sense.
    Vengeance is KEY! Speaking of keys, we
    have an assortment of additional quests
    which requires keys or something or
    another to ressurect the planet Expel.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYERS
    What the hell?
    NARL
    Yes, to save that world we will move the
    planet from the past and insert it into
    this... wait a second, that made
    absolutely no sense. Here's a map.
    Connect the dots from this point to that
    point and kill boss monster here.
    RONIXIS dies. An ANGRY FACE ICON pops over CRAWD's head.
    EXT. EVIL DARK VILLAIN BASE OF EVIL
    TEN WISEMEN
    Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha!
    WHOLE DAMN CARTOON PARTY
    I will turn you into a beehive! Bang
    Bang Attack! My sword is moist with
    power!
    The Ten Wisemen DIE. SMILEY FACE ICONS pop up on EVERYONE
    indicating joy. Some needless QUASI-RELIGIOUS-STAR-TREK
    BABBLE occurs that returns everything back to normal, in a
    way. The party then sit around a campfire and talk.
    CRAWD C. KENNI
    Now we will carefully calculate approval
    ratings. Gamers, please restart your
    game if you want me to sit around with
    different people.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYERS hurl the GAME CD into their own bonfire.
    GAME OVER.
    


	16. Xenogears


    XENOGEARS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    INT. STARSHIP ELDRIDGE - SPACE
    War was beginning.
    EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
    All your base are belong to us.
    ALIEN HUMAN CAPTAIN
    What you say!!
    The ship SELF-DESTRUCTS, and scatters parts onto a new
    world.
    EXT. NEW WORLD
    EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
    I will now give birth to man whom I
    will consume for my fuel so I may
    return home and bring havoc upon those
    who have done me harm.
    (creates man)
    Man, do not eat my apples of wisdom.
    MAN
    (eats a wisdom apple)
    I now have wisdom to create technology.
    God, we are aware of your heinous plot.
    EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
    Fools! Prepare for Judgment Day!
    God creates Armageddon and goes to SLEEP under the sea, but
    not before creating another race of MAN.
    DIRECTOR TETSUYA TAKAHASHI
    Look, this game is serious. It is,
    therefore, good!
    PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
    Wow, this creates so many questions
    about the essense of self.
    (pause)
    Gamers, please put down your controls
    and take notice of all of these
    thought-provoking questions raised by
    the video game.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYERS
    This game must be brilliant. I mean,
    to just consider the notion that
    religion could be placed in such a
    spotlight like...
    Suddenly, the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS' PROVOKED THOUGHTS are
    interrupted by something INTENSELY SERIOUS.
    EXT. NEW WORLD (PRESENT DAY)
    KINGDOM KISLEV
    We are barbaric humans. We have dug up
    wonders from first generation of man to
    be used as technology for our own
    selfish gains.
    KINGDOM AVEH
    We, too, are barbaric humans but
    because we have fewer ruins to
    excavate, we are losing wars. If only
    our scientists could invent more
    destructive weapons for us to abuse.
    KINGDOM SOLARIS
    We will provide assistance then, Aveh,
    with weapons of mass destruction.
    PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
    Isn't it frightening how irresponsible
    humans can be with technology?
    EXT. LAHAN
    FEI FONG WONG
    This is a happy place for me. I am
    painting and I have two good friends,
    Timothy and Alice, who will be married.
    This will cause conflict inside of me
    for I will be responsible for
    inexplicable destruction.
    TIMOTHY
    Destruction? That part isn't going to
    be no honeymoon!
    FEI FONG WONG
    Guh! And you had help with the
    translation.
    Fei Fong Wong wanders around outside for subplot. He
    finally meets a character named CITAN.
    CITAN UZUKI
    I will quote powerful prophecies made
    in the bible code.
    Producer Tanaka realizes Citan isn't causing enough
    controversy to muddle the already INCOHERENT PLOT.
    CITAN UZUKI
    And I might be gay.
    The VIDEO GAME PLAYERS' COLLECTIVE HEADS explode.
    Numerous pieces of 32-BIT GRAPHICS suddenly attack the
    town.
    GAME VILLAINS
    We will prove to you how malicious we
    villains are in order to mask our one-
    dimensional personalities. Let's kill
    this character gruesomely and
    maliciously.
    TIMOTHY dies gruesomely and maliciously.
    PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
    Isn't it frightening how war can bring
    out the worst in all of us?
    Fei Fong Wong undergoes personality change and becomes ID.
    He goes BERSERK and unleashes inner powers of God.
    CITAN UZUKI
    You have experienced the cruel power of
    God... something man was not meant to
    wield. We must flee.
    FEI FONG WONG
    You're absolutely right. I hope I never
    experience that again. I wonder how
    many other personalities I will have
    though later on?
    Fei Fong Wong makes faces as they escape using long, drawn
    out, expository CUT SCENES. Gamers will come to find this
    ANNOYING as this repeats an ABSURD NUMBER OF TIMES.
    EXT. RANDOM BIBLE REFERENCED LOCATIONS
    FEI FONG WONG meets ELHAYM VAN HOUTEN and they begin
    extraneous romance by discussing sheep cloning.
    ELHAYM VAN HOUTEN
    Hello. Desire me. I am a piece of
    God. Forget your troubles.
    FEI FONG WONG
    Amazing coincidence. I, too, feel like
    I am a piece of God. We should fall in
    love.
    BRAIN FRAGMENTS
    Wait, this makes absolutely no sense.
    CITAN UZUKI
    Okay, let's overexplain in absurd
    Freudian logic and obscene pseudo-
    scientific terms how you and Elhaym are
    part of Jesus and that you have been
    resurrected over and over since the
    birth of man until the age of Reckoning
    where you will destroy God, who is
    really a computer program. Let us
    wander and ponder this.
    Fei Fong Wong and Citan bounce around the map encountering
    assorted CARDBOARD CHARACTERS and a GIANT PINK FURBALL, while
    the few BRAIN FRAGMENTS still paying attention break open
    the ENCYCLOPEDIA to make some sense of plot.
    BRAIN FRAGMENTS
    Wait a second, you have the whole history
    of religion wrong. How exactly does your
    Zohar Engine relate to Kabbahlah's Zohar?
    CITAN UZUKI
    Foolish gamers, we're not here to provide
    insight on religious topics. We must
    prove to humanity that our reliance on
    anything above the plane of man, which
    obviously doesn't include Christianity,
    Judaism, and Islam, is misguiding.
    BRAIN FRAGMENTS
    Okay, then let's look at the game itself.
    If there's a male-female affinity between
    Gear and pilot, how could Sophia's Gear
    be an Omnigear? And how could Rico be
    the son of Sigmund if he's a mutant?
    And...
    More SERIOUS CONTROVERSIES erupt, shutting up the gamers.
    CONTROVERSIAL questions and things continue to happen until
    the most controversial of all things occurs: A SINGLE
    ELEMENT OF RELIGION THAT ACTUALLY MADE SOME SENSE.
    GAME CRITICS
    (scratches head)
    I don't get it. How am I giving this
    9s and 10s? This has nothing to do
    with religion in general. In fact, all
    of these religious connotations is
    nothing more than a heartless mask of
    what is really a drawn out hack, and
    biting off Star Trek 5 doesn't help
    either. How is this controversial? Or
    maybe you decided to fabricate that
    rumor when half of your marketing heads
    called it quits after playing this crap?
    INT. TOWER OF BABEL
    Fei Fong Wong and Party of BIG ROBOTS enter the Tower and
    they play an extremely LONG and TIME-CONSUMING METROID GAME.
    The jumping is FUN.
    DIRECTOR TETSUYA TAKAHASHI
    My God, what have we created? We're
    almost 80 hours into this monstrosity
    and nothing has been accomplished!
    PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
    Create Wave Existence!
    Wave Existence APPEARS and proceeds to throw another PLOT on
    top of a PLOT and overexplaining both, consuming more time
    and testing human endurance. This scores points with GAMERS
    because the game is now COMPLEX.
    FEI FONG WONG
    Wave Existence? Why wasn't this
    mentioned at all in the first 80 or so
    fucking hours of the game? Grrrr!!!!
    Random GAME VILLAINS, who all seem to share one personality
    and the ability to utter bland dialogue, appear.
    GAME VILLAINS
    Mua-ha-ha-ha! Your inability to
    control your emotions has proven to be
    your Achille's heel. See? How do you
    like that reference? Now I will add
    symbolism to teach you a lesson.
    Fei Fong Wong and his party of BIG ROBOTS including GIANT
    PINK FURBALL are CRUCIFIED on crosses. This is UTTERLY
    RIDICULOUS and HILARIOUS.
    The PARTY free themselves and they attack GAME VILLAINS. FEI
    FONG WONG undergoes a personality change in the battle and
    becomes ID. GRAHF, who turns out to be Darth Vader, decides
    to become a new identity, LACAN. ELHYAM becomes MIANG. ID
    becomes MIANG. MIANG becomes GRAHF. CITAN becomes FEI FONG
    WONG. The PARTY undergoes change and becomes another GROUP
    of characters.
    PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
    STOP THIS AT ONCE! We are approaching
    our deadline for this thing so wrap up
    whatever you have and end it!
    EXT. BIG GRAY BLOB PLACE
    GRAHF
    Let's add to the seriousness of this
    game. Luke, I am your father.
    FEI FONG WONG
    Ha! Who saw that coming?
    Grahf DIES.
    FEI FONG WONG
    Finally... let us wake God from his
    slumber and destroy him... for great
    justice.
    EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
    Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! how can you hope to
    defeat God?
    FEI FONG WONG
    Gah! You're right. We have learned
    from this quasi-Manichaeistic game that
    technology is only a vehicle for evil
    purposes and God is the creator of evil.
    ELHAYM VAN HOUTEN
    Huh? You're asking us to leave our
    weapons and fight this thing with peace
    and love? How are the gamers going to
    accept that, if any of them are still
    playing...
    FEI FONG WONG
    Good point. We might as well just ruin
    the premise of the game and kill this
    bastard with our biggest guns available.
    The PARTY takes some glue and assemble Gears together.
    FEI FONG WONG
    Have at you! Level Seven, Gundam, six
    hours.
    EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
    Impressive.
    (glues on GM SMG machine pistol)
    Take this! Level Nine Gundam, four
    hours.
    FEI FONG WONG
    Arrgh! I must summon the art of quick
    glueing to counter your attacks.
    This repeats back and forth until God develops CARPAL
    TUNNEL SYNDROME and DIES.
    FEI FONG WONG
    We are victorious! Who needs religion?
    GAME CHARACTERS
    (throwing up peace signs)
    We don't!
    FEI FONG WONG descends from the heavens in his BIG ROBOT
    like CHRIST and preaches Save the Whales.
    GAME CRITICS
    What the hell was all that? Not only
    was the plot absurd, but it mocks
    religion. Either I'm chicken-shit and
    value website hits over integrity or
    the game just plain sucks, now which
    one do you think is right? Has anyone
    seen a pair of balls? I don't seem to
    have any.
    The VIDEO GAME PLAYERS toss their Playstations out the
    window and gather up their exploded heads, refusing to
    think about the game to avoid a headache.
    GAME OVER.
    


	17. Zelda 64: Ocarina of Time


    OCARINA OF TIME: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
    By Jack Bullions
    INT. LINK'S ROOM
    NAVI appears, runs her head into a wall, and does a bunch of
    other zany antics. This is FUNNY... to five-year olds. The
    antics wake up latest incarnation of LINK.
    BOY LINK
    Hi. I am an orphan from war left in a
    care of some isolated but powerful race
    of... children that don't age. Ten
    seconds in and already this game isn't
    making sense.
    NAVI
    Hey! No time to explain. Go see the
    Great Deku Tree!
    BOY LINK
    (stares at flying ball of light)
    What the - ? I thought you only come out
    of bushes or rocks I pull from the
    ground?
    NAVI
    Listen! The only reason for my existence
    is so that I can help you pee straight.
    How ridiculous is that? Let's go!
    Most of the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS, after witnessing this
    horrible travesty done to one of Disney's greatest classics,
    breaks the N64 and leaves.
    EXT. NEVER NEVERLAND
    A bunch of KOKIRI ADULT-CHILDREN-ELVES prance around with
    their own FLYING BALLS OF LIGHT. Link and Navi meet the
    GREAT DEKU TREE.
    GREAT DEKU TREE
    Link, thou hast arrived. A vile climate
    pervades this world. Verily, ye have...
    BOY LINK
    I'm ten. I don't understand that.
    GREAT DEKU TREE
    I see then. Well listen, I will die
    eventually, but first enter this dungeon
    I have cleverly designed for you and heal
    me a little bit so I may destroy
    continuity of this game.
    BOY LINK
    Actually, I think I'm going to go pack my
    bags and wander as a hero for hire like
    the previous Links.
    GREAT DEKU TREE
    Don't make me perform Hamlet on you.
    Link runs screaming into the dungeon.
    INT. DUNGEON
    Link uses 3-DIMENSIONAL POWERS to beat LEVEL by finding
    COMPASS, MAP, and LEVEL ITEM, and LEVEL BOSS. In other
    words, Link experiences LEGEND OF ZELDA and EVERY ZELDA GAME
    TO DATE over again.
    PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
    A-Ha-Ha-Ha! Now that I have a 64-bit
    platform, I can now confuse and annoy you
    gamers with spontaneous camera rotations!
    Take this!
    The camera EXPLODES, gyrating wildly about. First-person
    views RE-ORIENT and spin around like an ICE SKATER on CRYSTAL
    METH. This is CHALLENGING.
    Eventually, Link leaves Dungeon and meets MIND-BOGGLINGLY
    SLOW explanation of PLOT which we have already deduced from
    previous games and LONG EXPOSITORY INTRO.
    EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
    GIRL MALON
    I am a pathetic plot device. Desire me
    in seven years after your ridiculous
    quest to wipe out this ignoramus.
    BOY LINK
    Quest?
    (looks around)
    I see.
    Link encounters FAT WOMEN with beards, GAY CARPENTERS, and
    other HOMOSEXUAL ELEMENTS of Zelda 64. This is also FUNNY.
    PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
    The world really is a diverse place
    outside my riches and wealth.
    BOY LINK
    That's stereotyping, you ignorant
    asshole.
    PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
    Oh snap...
    (pause)
    Hmm... you are a boy, therefore, you must
    be playful. Please play my myriad of
    mini-games to distract you from plot
    then.
    BOY LINK
    Ooh! Games!
    NAVI
    Hey! Listen! Let's try to get back to
    the quest here. See Zelda!
    Link makes his way to Hyrule Castle while encountering GOOFY
    CHARACTERS on the way. He meets ZELDA.
    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
    My precocity has provided for me a vision
    of the future. Ganondorf, the second
    stranger to betray my imbecilic father in
    this series, will ruin the land unless we
    two children do something.
    Link peers through the window and sees GANONDORF. He appears
    quite EVIL and GOOFY at the same time with his horribly
    textured body.
    GANONDORF
    I am somehow failing to understand you
    are a threat to me despite repeated ass-
    kickings from your older self versions.
    (looks evil)
    This frightens Link.
    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
    Now Link, I need you to go recover the
    three mystical stones together from
    dangerous dungeons before he does.
    BOY LINK
    ????
    (pause)
    You're pitting me, a boy for the love
    of Mike, against a madman who can quite
    clearly kick my ass into next Saturday
    on a life and death mission? You must
    be the dumbest character in creation!
    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
    Impa! Send him on his way!
    SMALL LINK
    I'd like to see your old nurse try.
    Suddenly, IMPA appears, in her WWE alter ego, CHYNA.
    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
    How the hell did this happen?
    Impa pulls Link by his ear out into Hyrule Field.
    IMPA
    Link, I am a Gerudos, and so is
    Ganondorf. You see, only one man is born
    in our Amazonian society every 100 years,
    and by law, we must raise him to be all
    powerful. How we breed is a complete
    mystery.
    PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
    How do you like that pile of horseshit I
    pulled out my ass? Ha-Ha! Speaking of,
    here's a horse to play with!
    Link leaves and repeats the DUNGEON PROCESS over again with
    Zora's Domain and Death Mountain. Link WINS.
    BOY LINK
    I accomplished my quest within a
    reasonable amount of playing time.
    Something doesn't feel right.
    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
    Uh-oh. Maybe I did screw up.
    Link stares blankly at Zelda.
    BOY LINK
    You can't tell from my expressionless
    face, but I'm staring at you with
    disgusted contempt right now.
    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
    But... but... I thought we were meant for
    each other?
    BOY LINK
    Since when? Our relationship has always
    been platonic, except for that godawful
    cartoon years ago that no one in their
    right mind will acknowledge. Anything
    more than that is just a mindless
    construct of a fanboy's wet dream.
    Link returns to the TEMPLE OF TIME, summons some magic to
    open a BIG DOOR, and discovers MASTER SWORD.
    GANONDORF
    Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha! You have fallen victim to
    my ingenious plot! Whatever it was.
    Ganondorf sneaks up behind Link and STEALS Triforce. Link
    passes out sans all explanation.
    INT. SACRED REALM
    Link wakes up seven years later and becomes MAN LINK.
    MAN LINK
    What the hell was all that? Explain this
    Older Zelda.
    RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
    I do not know whom you are referring to.
    I am Sheik. Because you are the Chosen
    One, we had to freeze you so that your
    body may age older and fight Ganondorf
    one on one, even though you'd still have
    the mind of a child.
    MAN LINK
    That's the stupidest thing I've ever
    heard.
    RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
    Perhaps. Now let me teach you several
    songs that will allow you to warp around
    this world so you can gather more stones
    for me.
    Link leaves and repeats DUNGEON PROCESS half dozen more times
    while meeting some more GOOFY CHARACTERS. He returns to
    Hyrule Castle for dramatic climactic battle.
    EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
    RIDICULOUS DISGUISE reveals herself to be ZELDA even though
    it's pretty damn obvious who it was being she was the only
    BLONDE with more than ONE LINE OF DIALOGUE.
    Man Link arrives and beats the holy hell out of Ganondorf
    with INTENSE A BUTTON, B BUTTON, combination attacks...
    twice.
    GANONDORF
    It appears each of you characters have a
    piece of your own triforce that has
    provided some power to counteract my own.
    How all of this eluded me from the getgo
    shows what a tremendous moron I am.
    (dies)
    OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
    Now we can seal Ganondorf inside the Evil
    Realm.
    MAN LINK
    Okay, so I killed Ganondorf in THIS
    timeline. Assuming any of this time
    travel bullshit makes sense, what is to
    prevent him from doing this over again in
    the past? Unless you're planning on
    sending me...
    OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
    I have another billiant idea! I'll just
    use my super Princess powers to teleport
    you back in time and we'll pretend this
    monstrosity never happened.
    MAN LINK
    But...
    Link TELEPORTS back to the Temple of Time.
    BOY LINK
    Oh well. Good riddance that's over with.
    PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
    Nonsense. My irrepressible ego has
    spawned another senseless sequel... Mask
    of Find Item and Kill Boss with first-
    person Goldeneye shooter mini-game!!
    NAVI
    What? You're on your own, Link.
    (leaves)
    GAME OVER.
    


End file.
